Most Recent

Vaseline-Powered Car

I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true. He said that one day he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said: "VASELINE-POWERED CAR FOR SALE." He thought this was pretty odd, and he had plenty of time to screw off, so he decided to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car. He drove for about 5 miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him, "Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?" The old man assured him he did and the guy asked him if he could see it.



They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the double-wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket. The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red Corvette.



"1969, 369 cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission," the old man said. The guy asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline. And the old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it out it was covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?" he asked.



As the guy snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast. Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low on Vaseline, too, so don't go too far." The guy turned the key and the car fired up and it sounded like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger. He found first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and hit second gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The car felt wonderful! 110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was unbelievable! He had covered 5 miles in under 3 minutes and all of a sudden the car shut off. He coasted to a stop and got out. To his fear, he was out of Vaseline. He started to walk.



Meanwhile, down the road...



A family had just finished supper. There was Dad, Mom, and two daughters, one home from college, the other in high school. Dad was telling Mom how good supper was and Mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she shouldn't have to wash the dishes. The oldest girl said that she couldn't do the dishes because she had a date and the other said she had homework to do and couldn't do the dishes. Dad said that he was the man of the house and he'll be damned if he did the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then Dad told everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who would wash the dishes then what they should do is go in the living room, sit down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They agreed and moved to the living room. They sat down and stared at each other, not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak. Silence filled the room. There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man at the door saw the family through the window. He knocked again but nobody answered. He walked in.



"Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said... Hey, food! Do you mind if I have some?" the stranger asked. Nobody said anything. So he went to the table and started eating. He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he could have some. Nobody said anything. He drank three or four beers and got a little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked Dad if he minded if he had sex with his oldest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took the girl in the bedroom and had sex with her. Later, he was back at the supper table drinking more beer. He walked back into the living room and asked Dad if he could have sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took her into the bedroom and had sex with her, too. Later, sitting at the table, after more beer, Mom started to look pretty good. He walked in and asked Dad if he minded if he had sex with his wife. Nobody said anything. So he took Mom into the bedroom and had sex with her. When he was through he walked into the living room and stood in front of Dad. "Hey, do you have any Vaseline?" he asked dad. And Dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes."


This joke proudly filed in:

Holiday Tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"