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Courtroom Questions

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

  1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
  2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
  3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
  4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
  5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
  6. "Did he kill you?"
  7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
  8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
  9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
  10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
  11. Q: "She had three children, right?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "How many were boys?"

    A: "None."

    Q: "Were there any girls?"
  12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
  13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

    A: "I went to Europe, sir."

    Q: "And you took your new wife?"
  14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

    A: "By death."

    Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
  15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"

    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

    Q: "Was this a male or female?"
  16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
  17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
  18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

    A: "Oral."
  19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."

    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
  20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"

    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
  21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

    A: "I have been since early childhood."
  22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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Bacon: from the source

(click title for full content or images for zoomed view)
So this is how it's made.
So this is how it's made.

Did you know that newly-hatched vegetarians have, across the board, much difficulty giving up this delicious salt-cured treat. I can't imagine a life without bacon.

If it were socially acceptable, I'd wrap myself in bacon -- not velvet.

That is the bacon update for the day. Thank you, enjoy your stay.

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30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

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The Frog And The Endowed

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.

Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"

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