Bar jokes

5 o'clock news

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.

"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.

"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

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27 signs you may be too drunk

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

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Hormonal Beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

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Where do Martians drink beer ? At a mars...

Where do Martians drink beer ? At a mars bar !


What happened when the barman died? The ...

What happened when the barman died? The police held an inn-quest


WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make...

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.


WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead...

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.


WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead...

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.


WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead...

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to call them at four in the morning.


WARNING: consumption of alcohol may crea...

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.


WARNING: consumption of alcohol may caus...

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may caus...

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.


WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the l...

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.


Two men who are out walking their dogs m...

Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other, "Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, "No Pets Allowed," and I can't leave Fido alone on the street." The other man replies, "No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!" The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar.

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Two men walked into a bar...

Two men walked into a bar.

You would think that the second one would have ducked.


Two ladies are in a bar and the first la...

Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking lots". So the second lady says "I don't know?" So the first lady says, " all the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!"

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Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. T...

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

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Twenty-four hours in a day... twenty-fou...

Twenty-four hours in a day... twenty-four beers in a case... coincidence?


Three vampires walk into a bar and sit d...

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood." The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood." The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma." The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

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There were these three brothers that wer...

There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot. When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place. When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other. On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks.

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