Christmas jokes

Holiday Tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

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Why was Santa's little helper depressed?...

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.


Why was Santa's little helper depressed?...

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.


Why is it so cold at Christmas? It's in ...

Why is it so cold at Christmas? It's in Decembrrrrr.


Why is Christmas just like a day at the ...

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?...

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ? Because they both have "Sandy claws" !


Why is a burning candle like being thirs...

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !


Why does Santa's sled get such good mile...

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? Because it has long-distance runners on each side.


Why does Santa Claus only have seven rei...

Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer? Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.


Why does Father Christmas like to work i...

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ? Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe


Why does Father Christmas go down chimne...

Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys? Because they soot him!


Why did your boyfriend return his Christ...

Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie? "He said it was too tight."


Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at ...

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ? Because he didn't want to be recognised !


Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Chri...

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ? He had no body to go with !


Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chi...

Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ? It was a moth ball !


Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like ...

Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match? Because they're both stopped by the rein.


Why are Christmas trees like bad knitter...

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles !


Who sings "Love me tender", and makes Ch...

Who sings "Love me tender", and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis.


Who made this Christmas pudding? Our che...

Who made this Christmas pudding? Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it? Elf-raising flour, of course.


Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The t...

Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey - he's always stuffed !