Doctor and nurse jokes

I've Taken A Course In First Aid!

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.

A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back.

"Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first aid!"

The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

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Smooth as a baby's behind

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

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The extremely modest man

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest signal was another false alarm and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

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Annual checkup

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

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Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

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Three Nurses At The Pearly Gates

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."  St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

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Why did the nurse always insist on using...

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures? Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.


Why are you so excited?, the surgeon ask...

Why are you so excited?, the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. "But doc, this is my first operation." "Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."


What's the difference between a surgeon ...

What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy? If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.


What's the difference between a nurse an...

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.


What's the difference between a general ...

What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.


What kind of physician works on a cruise...

What kind of physician works on a cruise liner? A dry doc.


What is a double-blind study? Two orthop...

What is a double-blind study? Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.


What do you get if you have strep throat...

What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday? Saturday Night Fever.


What do you do? a young man asked the be...

What do you do? a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. "I'm a nurse." "I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear. "That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."

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There were ten zebras in the zoo. All bu...

There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left? Nine!


The surgeon told his patient that woke u...

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you." "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

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The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A...

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor." "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

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The patient: Tell me, is it true that al...

The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure? Doctor: Yes, that is true. P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure? D: Yes, that is also true. P: So, in average, I live normally.

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The patient shook his doctor's hand in g...

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

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