Judge jokes

A judge's revenge

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.

The judge rose from the bench.

"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.

"Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

read more...

Who is the most powerful ghoul? Judge Dr...

Who is the most powerful ghoul? Judge Dread.


When is an English teacher like a judge?...

When is an English teacher like a judge? When she hands out long sentences.


What did the judge say when a skunk ente...

What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom? Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!


The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my ...

The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."


The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jone...

The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" "I do." "Now what do you say to defend yourself?" "Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

read more...

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do yo...

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

read more...

I Don't Recognize This Court

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I dont recognize this court!"

"Why?" asked the Judge.

"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."

read more...

The cross eyed judge looked at the three...

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you plead?" "Not guilty" said the second defendant. "I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied. "I never said a word" the third defendant replied.

read more...

Taking his seat in his chambers, the jud...

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

read more...

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Def...

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

read more...

People who love sausage and respect the ...

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.


Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God...

Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money." Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."


Jury: Twelve men and women trying to dec...

Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer. Justice: A decision in your favor.


Judge: Your first marriage was terminate...

Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death? A: Yes, by death. Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?


Judge: You stated that the stairs went d...

Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct? A: Yes. Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?


Judge: What is your relationship with th...

Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?


Judge: Is there any reason you could not...

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

read more...

Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have y...

Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are on dead people.


Judge: Are you married? A. No, I'm divor...

Judge: Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about.