Marriage jokes

Divorced Barbie

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00."


Deaf marriage

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."


The memorial stone

Billy died....His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jan.

"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jan, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it?" said Joyce. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jan exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"


Smooth as a baby's behind

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.


What's for supper, honey?

A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."


Annual checkup

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.


The black bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, Stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.


Honeymoon Secrets

A young couple were on their honeymoon.

The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"


The Belfast Fight

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'


We're Making Babies

Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife upstairs for sex.  Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry.

"What's wrong, son?" the father asked.  "Why are you crying?"

"You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.

"No, no," the father reassured, "I'm not hurting her.  We are making babies."


Mickey Gets Divorced

Minnie and Mickey were getting a divorce. The judge says to Mickey, "Mickey, why do you want to divorce Minnie?" Mickey replies, "It's kind of embarrassing, can I tell you in private?"

The judge agrees and Mickey walks up to him and whispers in his ear.

The Judge looks at him and says, "Just because she's funny doesn't mean you have to divorce her."

Mickey said, "I never said she was funny, I said she's fucking Goofy!"


Holiday Tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.


Young Actor: Dad, guess what? I've just ...

Young Actor: Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years. Father: Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part.


You know the honeymoon is pretty much ov...

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.

Why Did You Get Married?

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on Earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply.

"He wasn't pregnant and I was."


Will the father be present during the bi...

Will the father be present during the birth? asked the obstetrician. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be, "He and my husband don't get along."

Wife: Who was that on the phone? Husband...

Wife: Who was that on the phone? Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau. Wife: What did he say? Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...

Wife: "Do you think of me when you're aw...

Wife: "Do you think of me when you're away darling?" Husband: "Yes honey, I always bare you in mind."

Wife, opening mail, to spouse: "The bank...

Wife, opening mail, to spouse: "The bank says that this is our last notice. Isn't it wonderful that they're not going to bother us anymore?'

Why was the broom late ? It over swept !...

Why was the broom late ? It over swept !