Old age jokes

Grandma loves Jesus

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ' Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

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US Highway 22

The highway patrolman spotted a car driving dangerously slow on a much-traveled freeway. He pulled it over and found the driver to be an elderly lady with four other older women as passengers.

"Lady," said the officer, "your slow driving is almost as dangerous as speeders. You need to try to keep the speed limit."

"But I always keep the speed limit," replied the lady. "I was doing the speed limit when you stopped me."

The officer asked, "What do you think the limit is on this road?"

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50 years and breakfast

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" The two then stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

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Annual checkup

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

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Bring me a sample tomorrow

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

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You have to stay in shape. My grandmothe...

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.


Worried because they hadn't heard anythi...

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's angry at you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

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Why is it easy to break in to an old man...

Why is it easy to break in to an old man's house? Because his gait is broken, and his locks are few.


When you are young, you want to be the m...

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

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What's wrong, sonny? asked the old timer...

What's wrong, sonny? asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out. "I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!" So the old man sat down and wept too.

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What's the worst thing about having to k...

What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma? When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.


What's the best thing about turning 65? ...

What's the best thing about turning 65? No more calls from insurance salesmen.


Two really old guys decided they would g...

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?". The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit." So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?". "Sure!", says his buddy. "Where did it go?", the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."

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Two police officers saw this old woman s...

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate".

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Two elderly women were staring at the nu...

Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.

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Two elderly women were out driving in a ...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for ...

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.

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Two elderly couples were enjoying friend...

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. .

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Two 80 year old men are driving down the...

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young again." John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!" Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive. About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young yet?" "No," replies John. So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road.

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Three old men are sitting on the porch o...

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.

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