Religious jokes

Grandma loves Jesus

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ' Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

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Slavedriver dad

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

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Bring up your grades, cut your hair

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

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Preacher's Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

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Who was the best actor in the bible ? Sa...

Who was the best actor in the bible ? Samson, he brought the house down !


Who is the fastest runner in history. Ad...

Who is the fastest runner in history. Adam - because he was the first in the human race.


Who designed Noah's ark? An ark-itect !...

Who designed Noah's ark? An ark-itect !


While leading the Friday evening service...

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?" Bernie: "The dog came here to pray." "Oh, come on." says the Rabbi. "YES!" says Bernie. Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple." Bernie: "Its true!"..

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When this guy heard that the Pope was co...

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. The the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.

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When the airline Captain announced they ...

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake City, Utah, a woman told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the Mormon religion where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife." That's true," he replied, "as a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives." "How disgusting,"she said,"you should be ashamed of yourself, such practices should be against the law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said, "Yes, mam I am."

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What's the moral of the story about Jona...

What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale ? You can't keep a good man down !


What's black and white, black and white,...

What's black and white, black and white, black and white? A nun rolling down a hill.


What language do the Vatican Police spea...

What language do the Vatican Police speak? Pig Latin!


What is the meaning of life? All evidenc...

What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.


What do you get when you cross Holy Wate...

What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil? A religious movement!


What do you get when you cross a Jehova'...

What do you get when you cross a Jehova's witness with a business man? A door to door salesman!


What did Adam do when he wanted some sug...

What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar? He raised Cain.


Two priests and a rabbi were discussing ...

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept. The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept. The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes."

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Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister M...

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent. Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

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Two nuns were driving alone out in the b...

Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

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