School jokes

A judge's revenge

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.

The judge rose from the bench.

"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.

"Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

read more...

Actual school absence excuse notes

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

read more...

Why were you late ? Sorry, teacher, I ov...

Why were you late ? Sorry, teacher, I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !


Where do children learn their ABC's ? At...

Where do children learn their ABC's ? At LMN-tary school !


What's the longest piece of furniture in...

What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table.


What do you get when you add 2 apples to...

What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem.


What do French pupils say after finishin...

What do French pupils say after finishing their school dinners ? Mercy !


The teacher was reviewing counting with ...

The teacher was reviewing counting with her first-grade class. "Jackie," she asked, "can you count to 10 without mistakes?" "Yes," said Jackie, and she did. "Now, Fred," said the teacher, "can you count from 10 to 20?" "That depends," said Fred, "with or without mistakes"!

read more...

The teacher was giving her pupils a quiz...

The teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on counting. Jackie got things started by counting from 1 to 10. "Now, Fred," said the teacher, "you take over, beginning with 11." "11, 14, 23, 42, 26," said Fred. "What kind of counting is that'?" asked the teacher "Who's counting'?" replied Fred. "I'm calling signals."

read more...

The teacher is droning away in the class...

The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!" The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

read more...

The teacher came up with a good problem....

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?" "None," answered little Norman. "None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic." "Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

read more...

The parents were very disappointed in th...

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."

read more...

The brain is a wonder ful thing Why do y...

The brain is a wonder ful thing Why do you say that ? Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class !


Teacher: You seem very well read, have y...

Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read Shakespeare ? Pupil: No Teacher: What have you read then ? Pupil: Umm, I've got red hair !


Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in...

Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection ? Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!


Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty ...

Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour? Pupil: Because it can't sit down!


Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty ...

Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour ? Pupil: Because it can't sit down !


Teacher: Why do you want to work in a ba...

Teacher: Why do you want to work in a bank, Alan? Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it, sir.


Teacher: Why didn't you answer me ? Pupi...

Teacher: Why didn't you answer me ? Pupil: I did, I shook my head Teacher: You don't expect me to hear it rattling from here do you !


Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any o...

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions ? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here !